Validation: A Parenting Superpower

Do you find yourself never saying the right thing to your upset child, even when you’re trying to help? You have the best intentions, but for some reason, your child does not want to hear it. It can be so discouraging when your attempts to fix the situation fall flat and seemingly increase your child’s distress. Instead of trying to fix your child’s emotional state, utilize the communication superpower of validation.

What is validation?

Simply put, validation is demonstrating that you understand and accept another person’s feelings. You don’t have to have been in the same situation or feel the same way to validate; you just have to think about the situation from your child’s perspective.

For example, let’s say your child was not invited to their friend, Sam’s, birthday party. Based on your interactions with Sam, you don’t consider Sam to be a good friend or a good influence on your child. A conversation that invalidates the child’s feelings might go like this:

Child: I can’t believe Sam had a birthday party and didn’t invite me! I thought we were better friends than that.
Parent: You shouldn’t even want to be friends with Sam anyway. Whenever she comes over, she’s not that nice to you.
Child: Sam and I have been friends since third grade. If Sam wasn’t nice to me, I wouldn’t be friends with her!
Parent: Her not inviting you to her party is an example of her not being nice to you.
Child: Oh my god, you don’t even get it! I don’t even know why I talk to you about this stuff!

While it might be true that Sam is not a good friend to your child, pointing that out did not convey understanding of your child’s emotions or help your child feel better. In fact, it looks like your child’s emotions escalated and your child became angry with you. A conversation that validates your child’s emotions might look like this:

Child: I can’t believe Sam had a birthday party and didn’t invite me! I thought we were better friends than that.
Parent: You sound pretty upset about not being invited.
Child: Well yeah, we’ve been friends since the third grade. She’s invited me to her other birthday parties. I don’t know what happened.
Parent: It makes sense why you’re confused and hurt.
Child: A part of me wants to ask her why I wasn’t invited, but I’m kind of not sure if I’m ready to talk to her about it yet.

In this second example, you further invited your child into the conversation. Being understood facilitated more sharing from the child and the child had the space to process this experience with you.

There are three important reasons why validation is so helpful as a parenting skill.

First, validation actually helps build the relationship with you and your child. By validating your child’s emotions, you give them a space to explore unpleasant, confusing, or vulnerable feelings. In creating that space, you further develop your relationship with your child by establishing yourself as a safe “home base” for exploring new situations. Your child learns that you’re someone they can trust to go to when feeling conflicted or nervous.

Second, through validation, you show understanding, which further supports the connection between you and your child. If your child knows that you understand them, they’re more likely to seek you out when they need help with problem-solving. If someone doesn’t convey that they understand a problem, you’re typically not going to ask for their help solving the problem. Additionally, you’re less inclined to take the unsolicited advice of someone if you don’t think they understand the problem–even if that advice is helpful. Your child is the same way.

Third, validating your child’s emotions helps you model emotional literacy and encourage further skill development. Emotional literacy entails the ability to identify your emotions and the emotions of others. If we know what emotion we’re feeling, we can take the appropriate actions to manage the emotion effectively. Emotional literacy is not an ability we are born with, but one that is developed over time. In modeling acceptance of your child’s emotions, they internalize that a wide variety of emotions are acceptable to have. Even though it’s not fun to feel sad, mad, or anxious, it’s okay to feel that way. When emotions like anger, sadness, and anxiety are not accepted, children internalize these emotions as shameful or bad, rather than a part of life. If these emotions are not accepted, your child might avoid them and not learn the appropriate ways to manage them.

Validation Tips

Make simple statements reflecting your child’s experiences.

This requires active listening. Listen to what your child is saying, how they’re saying it, and the emotions expressed nonverbally. “You’re really excited” or “ugh, how frustrating” can convey so much understanding and encourage your child to share more.

Validate the feeling, even if the behavior is wrong.

It’s not uncommon for children to misbehave when feeling overwhelmed with a strong, unpleasant emotion. A frustrated kid might hit their sibling, call names, or slam doors. Validating a feeling is not giving a free pass to unacceptable behavior. After the child is in a calmer mood, it’s a great time to validate that child’s feelings and brainstorm alternative actions that your child could take when feeling upset. “I would be mad if someone took my tablet out of my hands while I was using it too. It’s okay to feel mad, but hitting is not okay behavior. I wonder if there’s something else you could have done with your anger instead of hitting your sister.”

Ask your child if they want advice or help problem-solving. Assisting in problem-solving comes after showing understanding.

Again, most people don’t want help from someone who doesn’t understand the problem. When your child comes to you seeking understanding, they might not come to you to help solve their problem. It hurts to see your child in emotional distress, but giving unsolicited advice likely won’t contribute to reducing that distress. Also, jumping in and giving unsolicited advice could be interpreted by your child as you not believing they can solve their own problems. If your child doesn’t want your advice, the best way to help them is to allow them to problem-solve themselves and learn from the execution of their solutions. “Just talk to your teacher about taking a re-test. Study more the night before and you’ll score better” (not validating) versus “You feel pretty disappointed about your math test score. You were expecting a higher grade” (validating).

Don’t put things into perspective.

As Kourtney Kardashian once said, “Kim, there’s people that are dying.” That’s true. There are people who are suffering more than your child and their complaint may seem trivial, but that knowledge does not reduce your child’s suffering. A papercut hurts way less than a shark bite, but the papercut still hurts. “It sounds like you felt betrayed when Alex blocked you on social media. Losing a friend can hurt.”

Even if you get the emotion wrong, keep trying.

Your child correcting you on their emotional experience can be a good sign. It might mean that they are emotionally literate–a skill that will help them throughout the rest of their life. Alternatively, if you get the emotion wrong and try again, you’re communicating that you’re not giving up on trying to understand your child. This shows that you value their experience and their feedback is meaningful to you. “Oh, you felt sad, not mad, when Blake called you stupid.”

References: Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2004). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. HarperCollins. Hollander, M. (2008). Helping teens who cut: Understanding and ending self-injury. Guilford Press.